


General Om-nom-nom.

by goddamnitaisha



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Funny, Gen, My most popular story on Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 02:09:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10295141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddamnitaisha/pseuds/goddamnitaisha
Summary: (oneshot)(11 moments)(funny) Sephiroth unapologetically steals people’s food all the damned time.





	

**What:** 11 short moments.

 **Warnings:** happy

It was three in the morning when Sephiroth tip-toed in, and Genesis was in the middle of a dream he loved very much. He was on a date with Cissnei - that cute little figure that always flocked around the groups of SOLDIERs like a lost butterfly. They were holding hands while he was showing her Banora. “Do you want to try an apple? The juiciest apples come from this yard.”

Then three beeps interrupted his dream. _Beep, beep, beep._

Genesis made a face in his sleep. His dream turned bad:

“I wouldn’t pick that tree, that is the apple tree Genesis always pissed against when he has to take a leak,” dream-Angeal said.

 _Beep, beep, beep._ It was enough to wake up the almighty Red Fury.

Was that the sound of the fridge door?

“For fuck’s sake,” Genesis’s eyes snapped open. He sat up in bed, swung his legs out and when his left ankle was kicked in the many layers of satin covers, he kicked at the blankets with a force that would knock out an adult horse. The blanket was however not intimidated, and clung to his toes.

Genesis stood upright, shook it off angrily, and marched to the kitchen. “Sephiroth!”

Mr. Posterboy banged his head against the underside of the middle shelf and the jars of jam and bottles of milk rattled.

“Get out of my fridge!”

Sephiroth was bend in a 90 degrees angle with his butt in the air. He was a perfect target for a well-meant kick. He looked around just in time to see it coming. Genesis thought it deserving since Sephiroth’s cheeks were round like a squirrel’s.

* * *

“Did you eat breakfast?” Lazard questioned the moment Sephiroth walked into his office.

“...” Sephiroth paused. Then he resumed his walk to his boss’ desk and put a stack of reports on it. 

“Sephiroth, have you eaten breakfast,” Lazard repeated sharply, and pulled his own tea cup forward with two hands to save the bagel that was on the saucer. 

“These are the names and statistics of the people the Turks have forcefully recruited for the SOLDIER programme. On top is the most interesting case, Azul. He is exceptionally strong for a new person.” Sephiroth put one hand on the desk and Lazard protected the bagel as good as he could. 

Sephiroth’s hand curled around the tabletop and pressed the alarm button. A siren wailed. The white lights flashed to red, and a metal protection screen shut over the SOLDIER archives. It had been a while since the entire department had a healthy emergency test run and lost an hour of work, right?

“What-!” Lazard said.

Sephiroth walked away with half a bagel, the vanilla sauce dripped from the inside. “Breakfast? Now I have.”

* * *

“I bet it’s gross,” one infantryman complained to Cloud. Both boys looked at the content of their soup bowls, and their shoulders sagged. The infantrymen knew Shin-Ra kitchen didn’t offer tasteful food (nutritious though it was), but this dish was tragic even to _their_ standards.

“It looks like a behemoth sneezed,” Cloud muttered.

His comrade lift his spoon out of his own bowl. The green-yellow mass contracted around the spoon, and went up with it. It looked translucent in the pale light of the cafeteria. 

Cloud felt himself getting nauseous. Oh man, and they were supposed to eat this? How could anyone even swallow that goo?

Then a string of gold, like a wire, appeared in front of Cloud’s nose. It fell into his untouched bowl of food. 

“Huh?!” he said.

Someone’s arm, in black leather, reached past him and stirred the meal super quick. The person took the bowl away from under Cloud’s nose, thus he turned around. “Hey!” Then all colour drained from his face. _G-general Sephiroth!_

Sephiroth ate four or five spoonfuls, shovelling them into his mouth. “Mmm,” he said. Then he put the bowl down again, and put the squeeze-bottle of honey between the boys. 

Without another word he walked past them, black cape flowing.

* * *

Angeal was putting things in the fridge when Sephiroth walked in. “You got here fast.”

“You went out to get snacks, right?”

“I bought extra carrots like you asked, Bunnyroth.” Angeal said. He held up a forest of orange by the stem. Then he put it in his own fridge. _This is my own fridge why am I buying things for him._

“Thanks. No expiration date on this?” Sephiroth asked as he pulled a package of apple drops sweets away from Angeal’s grabbing hands. Sephiroth ripped the plastic open to examine the round balls. Then he opened his mouth as if to yawn. He closed his eyes - and sneezed a spray of droplets all over them.

“There is now,” Angeal said dryly. _Seems like I’ll be left with the carrots._

* * *

"Did you invite Sephiroth?” Tseng asked as he casually leaned against the frame of the kitchen door.

“No. This night is only for you, and me,” said Lazard as he pulled a lasagne from the oven. The molten cheese shimmered in the light. Lazard put the lasagne on a cutting board. “He would eat _everything._  SOLDIERs are insatiable.”

“I can hear you!” 

“-and he’s a calibre of his own.”

Tseng pointed with a thumb over his shoulder. “He’s in he living room.”

* * *

Zack was on one end of the hallway, the General of SOLDIER on the other end. They were destined to cross paths in the middle. Zack breathed in sharply and hopeful, because _oh boy_ , this was _Sephiroth_. He stuffed his sandwich in his back pocket. He checked the glass window for his hair, ruffled it right.

They approached each other. He’d have to salute soon...

Soon...

They were closer...

When they were almost opposite of each other, Zack leapt to the side and did a practised salute. “Sir!”

Sephiroth stopped.

Zack froze, upright and proud. He had his chest blown up so he looked bigger and he wished he’d grow as tall as Sephiroth. The man was almost two heads taller!

The mighty general glanced at him from the corner of his green eyes. 

Zack swallowed.

Sephiroth slowly turned to Fair, and narrowed his eyes.

Usually only Second-Class SOLDIERS got to interact with him! There were too many 3rds for him to learn their names. He was a busy man. And here Zack was, being noticed! Had Sephiroth seen his name at the top of the ranks, and learnt that Zack would be promoted soon? Did he, did he? Man, that would be something! 

Sephiroth turned. He reached around Zack.

To his horror, the young 3rd Class felt him pull on the the plastic bag with the sandwich in his back pocket. 

Sephiroth held up his prize by two fingers, and looked at Zack. They stared at each other. They maintained eye contact as Sephiroth uncovered the top half of the sandwich, and slowly... slowly... closed his teeth over the bread. 

“Ah,” Zack said. Sweat dripped past his cheek into his neck. He’d been warned for this.

“Helmet on, next time.” Sephiroth said with stuffed cheeks. 

* * *

“Don’t eat cookies for breakfast!” Lady Shinra said. She snatched the package away from Sephiroth’s hands. “Here, I’ll fix you something. Bodyguards in a growth spurt should eat healthy”

“If you feed him, he will never leave,” President Shinra said as he opened the newspaper.

Sephiroth munched and crunched, and glared at the President as if he could stab him in the back.

* * *

“Are you drinking that milk?” Professor Hojo inquired.

Sephiroth had his neck stretched like a giraffe, and the mouth of the milk carton against his own lips like an intimate kiss where he had to swallow ever so often. He choked it down. Then he stopped, and looked at Hojo.

_I know that the scientific research department’s canteen is not where I’m supposed to be..._

“What’s the expiration date on that?” the professor pointed.

The two men stared at each other. 

“I bought that,” Hojo said.

Sephiroth wiped the milk in the corners of his mouth away with the back of his hand. He looked at the carton. “The third of...” he squeezed his eyes to make out the very square lettering. “..september?”

Hojo pushed his glasses up his nose and then put his fists in the pockets of the lab coat.  "The third of September, huh?”

Sephiroth stayed still.

Hojo lift his eyebrows. “I guess in the next few hours we will find out if I made you indeed an indestructible super-SOLDIER... or not.”

Sephiroth shrugged and put the carton on his mouth again. 

* * *

The Wutai war was nearing its end, and the men of SOLDIER were gathered in Sephiroth’s quarters - he had settled into an ancient temple. The only thing left, though, was motivating Shin-Ra’s silver angel. So they called Kunsel.

"The General is far more interested in finding Genesis than actually fighting,” Essai whispered. 

Kunsel cracked his knuckles.

* * *

It was quiet in the Wutaiian camp, and men were relaxing. Suddenly one of them let out a cry of alarm. A square object sailed through the sky, and landed amidst them. It didn’t immediately explode. 

“A... pizza?” asked Etry from the Crescent Unit.

Sephiroth teleported in front of him, taking the box. “Hello.”

* * *

After the terrible events of OMEGA’s appearance, Sephiroth had surfaced again, stronger than ever. Cloud Strife lay defeated in Junon, and the world’s hope was focused on Genesis Rhapsodos, _Chosen by the Goddess_ as her warrior. The Red Angel had one duty to fulfil, and that was a duty to the Planet.

“Hey,” Sephiroth said as he approached Genesis. "Hey.”

Genesis lift his sword, and pointed it at Sephiroth. _Not a step closer._

Sephiroth glanced left, glanced right. He made no move to get his own sword. “So you are alive, hmph.”

“Yes,” Genesis said. He lift the sword until the tip was near Sephiroth’s chin. The blade gleamed.

“And how are you doing?”

“Fine.”

Sephiroth nodded. He looked at Genesis face, then at his new clothes, and then back to his face. “Everything going all right?”

“Most.” Genesis said nothing else. 

“Okay,” said Sephiroth. “...”

Genesis narrowed his eyes.

Sephiroth looked at him.

Genesis side-eyed him, his blue eyes squeezed to slits. “You want **food**... don’t you?”

* * *

**Please reblog! I want to make our FFVII community so that everyone reblogs each other’s work for more exposure. :D**


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